Syber Beaver News is the house organ of a fully fictional swarm of beavers who take cybersecurity extremely seriously and themselves only slightly. The dam is under new management following a restructuring everyone involved describes as “totally voluntary and fine.” We publish reported security news, advice you can actually use, and opinion with teeth — literally, mostly. This is a parody publication: satire and commentary, not a vendor. Do not retain us. Do not call the hotline. The hotline is doing therapy.